I wish I knew how to be myself.

There are so many times where I can see glimpses of who I am within the world around me...but never within me. I feel like I have been shaped and molded by this society and its standards, and now I have become something other than who I want to be.

I'm not saying I'm completely different than who I want to be, but I'm definitely not there.

I believe I see things differently than this society (collectively) does. I'm attracted to different things, and find different things beautiful. I find it difficult to express who I am. I think this is because I try to not to impose Myself on anyone. By that I mean: if I was to be exactly who I wanted to be without thought to others...I might offend some people. So, its like I censor myself so that I won't offend anyone.

For example, I really like dreadlocks and piercings and tattoos. Now, I have some piercings...but you don't see me walking around with dreadlocks in my hair and my body decked out in some colorful array of tattoos. If I see someone on the street with dreadlocks, tattoos, piercings, etc I get so excited. I try to compliment that person if I can; try and tell them that I admire their particular form of self expression. I just don't know why its so hard for me to express myself that way.

I consider myself to be a very unique person, but if you were to come across me on the street I probably wouldn't stick out to you at all. Sometimes it feels as though people can see right through me, almost as if I don't really exist at all. I become so intimidated at times. I'm not an easily intimidated person, but I see these people who are seemingly so confident in themselves and where they're headed with their lives that I feel weak. I feel like the remains of a wrecked ship being tossed about in the ocean, like I have no control over where I'm going.

I also consider myself to be a very nice person. I always try to put myself into other people's shoes, and try to treat others how I would want to be treated. But I believe there's a downside to this: I think I've become addicted to this victim-mentality. I like doing nice things for others and serving others in a sense, but its like it makes me feel as though I deserve something for it. I don't do nice things in order to be rewarded, but because it makes me feel good and I really like seeing others happy or when I'm able to do something nice for others.

For example, I was working one day and my manager asked me if I could work the next day even though I was scheduled to be off. A part of me really didn't want to work, but I knew that she needed someone to work at that time so I said yes. Now, I didn't regret working that day that I was supposed to be off, but I'm trying to give you an example of what I mean when I say victim-mentality - its like I purposely do things for others that I don't want to do so that I feel like I hold some sort of right to be tired or worn out or mad or whatever. I don't go out of my way to do these things that I don't want to do, but when these situations do arise I feel like I accept them not only because I want to help the person but also because it seems to give me some sort of reason to be...the victim, I guess.

Its like I'm addicted to feeling like I'm the one who always has to help someone out, or when I feel like I'm being treated unfairly I immediately adopt that victim mentality within my mind...

...how did I even get onto this topic? Anyway, I doubt I adequately explained the whole problem, but just know that if I do something nice for you I'm not doing it begrudgingly. I genuinely do enjoy helping others. =)

I guess I could try and explain it further later, but its really late and I'm tired. There are a lot more things I want to talk about on the topic of being myself, but I guess I'll finish this another time. So, until then...

Take care,
Kristen

I really should apologize that my first blog on this site in nearly a year is very negative. I was just so looking forward to leaving and going out of state for college. However, maybe it won't be so bad.

I decided I should post another blog and make this one more positive. So much has changed since last year. The main reason I don't want to stay here for school is because I don't want to end up lost here and stay here for the rest of my life.

There is so much I want to do and accomplish in this life. I want to change the world, and I believe I have truly great potential to make an impact.

How can I impact the world if I'm stuck in a place that holds me back from being myself. I don't even know who that is anymore.

I just want to find myself.

I'm on Spring Break right now...finally! And I should be using this time to relax and rest. I shouldn't be sad and depressed right now. I hate this feeling. I really do want to have an impact on this world, and not because I want to be famous or a movie star or anything...

I want to leave this world knowing that I contributed to humanity and helping us live on this earth. I want to look back over my life and know that I mattered in this world because I was able to live up to the potential of being myself; EVERY SINGLE PART!!!!

I would be so happy to be out on my own discovering myself. Because the trials of this world bring out the truth in everyone. We are forced to step back and look at ourselves; redefining who we are and how we are living our lives.

I just want to be happy. I want to make people happy. How can I do that when I'm lost in the past? Please pray for me, or send me energy...allowing me to find peace with God, knowing that He is in my life and will lead me to where I need to be.

Please understand I don't hate my mom, or my dad. It may seem as though I hold a lot of resentment towards them. But I do, mostly my mom. I guess a lot of the things we've been through aren't her fault. The world's made her that way.

I don't want the world (society, I should say)  to change me and to mold me into a form convenient to its standards. I can be the happiest person, and I want to share that with people. I want to share the gifts of God with the world, and let people know that are loved and children of the Divine. Even when they feel along in this world, they are always embraced by the One who created them and loves them eternally.

We have so lost ourselves in this world we created around us; this technological grave. Not that technology is bad, because a lot of it has helped us help ourselves and a lot of people. But we have just come to worship the unnatural so much that we forget the importance of the natural, for it is She that sustains us and nourishes us. Why can't people see that?

I want them to feel the love I do everytime I see the moon shining in the darkened sky, or when I feel the rain falling on my skin, or the connection I feel when working with those who share the same goal. I want people to feel this and know they are not alone.

Most of all, I want people to feel loved. No one is alone in this world. You know, I'm starting to feel better. I realize it may not be so bad to stay here one more year. I can paint my room and clean it up. I'll have another chance to apply for scholarships and grants, and maybe I can work some things out with my mom.

I want to share with you guys an essay I wrote last term for my English 12 class. The topic was: What will be my legacy? I submitted it last week for the scholarship it was designed for. Here it is:

 

            What is the legacy I am leaving behind? I think there is an intrinsic desire within all humans to be remembered even long after they have passed from this world. Evidence of this obsession with remembrance can be witnessed at every birthday party, and every funeral, along with many other commemorations. However, despite what may appear as selfishness, I believe there is also an inherent urge within us all to give something back to the world; contribute to the "bigger picture", if you will. The legacy I aim to leave behind includes: righting the wrongs done by our ancestors, setting in motion a worldwide movement to help keep this world inhabitable for us all, and making the world a better place for generations to come. I can only hope that this legacy, even long after I have gone, will speak volumes of one's determination to help humanity thrive in this world, and inspire countless others to aid their fellow man in this ongoing struggle of life.

            Everyone makes mistakes; it is foolish to try and hold anyone to the impossible standard of perfection. Even our ancestors made mistakes. There have been countless examples within the span of time that shows the imperfection of man. No one can erase these mistakes; no one can change the past. I believe it is our job, in the present, to acknowledge these crimes and correct them in any way we can. Slavery, wars that left the land and people scarred, corruption in politics: none of these can be undone, but if we are conscious of our wrongdoings and offenses towards others, then it is our responsibility to make it right. I know that I, alone, cannot set right all the world's atrocities, but I hope to bring into awareness these crimes so that humanity can be better prepared to make the right decisions for the future.

            Our society today lives "in the moment". Everything is built and designed to make our lives easier and help us get things done faster. We are always rushing and constantly complaining about our lack of time to accomplish anything. I am not really sure exactly what we are rushing towards; but, if it is the future, then we are rushing towards a future that has no hope for our survival. Humanity today is so "in the moment", that we are using up all of our resources from the earth, and leaving nothing for the future generations. Everyone is always trying to better their standard of living, and we have come to worship the unnatural. Because humanity is so concerned with building more and more technology, we do not stop to think about how we impact not only the environment, but the other inhabitants of the earth who cannot speak for themselves. It is my goal that I can help people to understand that because we are hurting the earth, it, in turn, will seek to destroy us. Is it not logical to think that something trying to survive in nature will fight back when its survival is threatened? It is humanity's responsibility to take care of this earth and ensure that our children have a place to live in the future. Only when we start to realize the importance of the "natural" can truly see the harm we are doing not only to the environment, but also to ourselves.

            "...make the world a better place." I am sure that almost everybody has heard that phrase at one point or another in their life. It is thrown around so much it has become cliché, but this cliché has too great a depth to simply cast aside. The world around, the place we live, is all we have... along with each other. We spend so much time fighting our brother that we cannot stop to see how more pleasant life would be if we only embraced one another. In order to make the world a better place, we not only must focus on the environment, but also on helping our fellow man. Life is hard enough as it is, without everyone lashing out at those around them. I know I am guilty of harsh feelings and actions towards the people around me, but I strive to overcome the selfish instincts within me, and reach out to help those who are also fighting in the struggle of life. In my life, I seek to do everything I can to help make this world a better place, and perhaps then... life will not have to be a struggle.

            I know I am simply one person and one lifetime, and it is easy to claim that a single person is insignificant in the expanse of time. However, my goal in life is not to try and change the world by myself. I want to make a difference, and I hope to encourage others to strive to help this world and those living in it. My legacy may not change the world, but I hope that it can help unite humanity to create a legacy that will surpass the boundaries of time and shine into the future for us all.

I realize that was long, so I apologize, but I hope you enjoyed it. Sometimes it helps to know that someone's listening. Thank you.

In Passion and Peace,
Kiri

All I wanted was to leave this place for college. Being here has oppressed so many parts of who I am, to the point that I don't really know who I am at this point. Living here, with everything that has happened, has been the cause of my deepest pain. I thought I was going to get to leave, but I guess I was wrong.

I was offered a $12,000 scholarship to get to go to college up at Bridgeport University in Connecticut. I thought I was finally going to be able to leave; to have my own place, to be on my own, fight my own battles. Why? I feel as though I'll never be free of this place now.

My mom seems adament about keeping me here; and although it seems like she's doing it because she cares, I can't shake the feeling that she's trying her hardest to destroy me before I can ever reach the outside world. Call it paranoid if you like, but you haven't witnessed what I have.

I know being on my own isn't easy. I know there are a lot of responsibilities. I know I have to be strong. But I also know I'm ready for the challenge. I've been ready for so long. I'm neither naive, nor foolish despite what people say. Just because I'm nice to those I don't know doesn't mean I give them my trust.

I just wish I could finally see who I really am. The real world would do that to me. I would be forced to define myself and work for my place in the world. Being here is like some endless, trance-like nightmare. I can't escape. I was so close...

I just wanted to see what it was like being out there on my own. But they crushed my dream before it ever had a chance to take wing. I was so hopeful. My hopes have fallen. I don't know if I can survive another year here. I know how hard she tried this year... just knowing I was 18 and almost out of her grasp. I hate this feeling. I just hope I can survive another year. There's too much here holding me back from my true potential.

I hate this feeling. I HATE this feeling. I wanted to know myself. I wanted to discover myself. I feel as though I'm sinking when I thought I was almost free of this quagmire. I hope after this year there is something left of me.

Please remember me when I'm gone,

Kiri

Well, if you take a look at the time, you can see that I'm up late. Well, actually its not late for me as in a summer night, but I have to get on a train for 7 hours at noon tomorrow. Omg, well I need some sleep so I'm going to go, but I just wanted to give some sort of update.

I haven't posted a new entry in some time. When I have some time later I'll explain my absence and I also want to discuss some AFI philosphy with you - well, whoever's willing to listen. So I'm just putting this here as a reminder. You should look forward to it....

Okay, I have a lot of complaining to do... so, I'm going to go ahead and moan and whine so I can get to the positive stuff last. So I woke up this morning at 3 and was thirsty and had to pee which was really irritating because I did not feel like getting out of my bed, walking across the room, and crossing the hall to the bathroom. But, I had to pee really bad, so I got up and then I got some orange juice and some peaches and got on the computer for a bit.

   30 minutes later I'm laying in bed wide awake too anxious about my upcoming exams to go back to sleep. So, I toyed around with my Ipod and listened to some AFI and eventually around 7:30 I caught a couple minutes or so of sleep before Adrienne, my sister, came and woke me up rather cheerfully - of course, I had taken off my shirt and pants because I was bloody hot and I'm sure I freaked her out... I do that a lot. I got up and my mom annoyiingly pushed her way into my room and gazed around saying, "WE HAVE TO TALK!!" Okay, that was definately NOT what I needed to hear at the moment so I closed the door, said a few bad words and stomped off to go take a quick bath. I was in a bitter mood in the bath, but the warm water did kind of feel good when I dunked myself under. Afterwards, I got dressed and Adrienne took me to the doctor. So I have this bite on my leg and the doctor and his "apprentice" opened the wound with a needle and tried to drain the puss out of it... the problem was I had done that earlier and so he was squeezing the britches out of my leg and I was on the table going off in a necessarily dramatic display.

   So, after that we went to Rite Aid so I could get my prescription for an antibiotic the doc gave me and my sis and I ended up getting a lot of candy. I was making remarks about how ridiculous I would be as a prostitute and about how much fun my future husband and I are going to have.... after that, my sister and I went home and eventually we made it out of the house again and went to Tomato Pie, this pizza restaurant, for lunch. I was stuffed and while we were dining, I confessed to Adrienne my obsession with AFI (I don't think she understands how serious I was!). Afterwards, when stopped by EB Games and, like the sweet, caring sister I am, I bought Adrienne a Full Metal Alchemist video game and she was... gleeful.

   I limped back to the car and she took me to the high school so I could make up two of my finals and well, they weren't that bad. However, Adrienne did piss me off because as she was driving away I tried desperately to get her attention to tell her I had forgotten something, but she sped away no doubt distracted by her blaring music. After I finished the exams, I called Adrienne as I hobbled around the school looking for an accessible restroom - they were all closed - and then Adrienne eventually made it to pick me up. Not before I had melted in the blazing sun of course. You know, I really don't get enough sun.... nor do I see the outdoors nearly as much as I should.

   Once we got home,  I relaxed but then my mom and her "friend" who was recently a boyfriend-type-thing got home and my mom "asked" me to go to the grocery store with Adrienne. Okay, when my mom asks like that... I know its not a request.... its a threat and if I didn't go then she would go all bitter and bitchy on me, so I went. When we got to the store I was limping around and my leg was hurting and burning like hell. I KNOW my sister got sick of my complaining so I went to get a little cart that....well, you know a motor cart with a basket...

   I felt like a crippled retard. (In fact I'm almost sure Adrienne called me that at one point.)

  Once we were done (thank God 10 times over) we got home just as mom and Randy (her boy...."friend") got home so they helped us take the groceries in. I boiled out my leg with peroxide and my mom looked at it and then apologized because "if she had known how swollen it was, then she would have never have asked me to go". ::sigh:: So, I got a bag of ice and then went around in a mentally pissy mood. And now here I am....

Okay, now on to the good stuff.... oh wait, that's it. Well, on the bright side AFI really made my day today because everytime I listen to their music it just makes me so DARN happy and everytime I listen to Davey's voice.... ah, my heart literally melts. It makes me smile. So, that is a good thing - pardon my obsession.

I suppose that's it. If there's anything else... I'll just add it later. So, until then - with peace and passion, Kristen.

   Okay, so the other day I mentioned that my leg was hurting. Well, it was hurting badly last night and then this morning it was very difficult for me to walk. So, I told my sister and my mom and I think I may have gotten bit by something poisonous. There's like this bite on my leg and the area around it is red and swollen. Not to mention my whole leg is hurting and burns. Crap, this is just what I need.

   So, I have to go to bed early because tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment at 9:15 AM and then at 1 I'm going to have to go take my finals at my school. I really hope my leg gets better. Oh, tonight my sister had a bottle of soda from Japan that she got from an anime convention and she let me have some. It was pretty good, but it looked really hard to open. The bottle was pretty neat as well.

   Also, I was thinking - I've been really tired lately and I was wondering whether or not it was this new sleep/mood stabilizing medication I'm on or the bite. It really worries me, but there's nothing I can do about it at the moment. I just hope I don't die...

   My sister wrapped a bag of ice to my leg with a bandage but I can't really feel the coldness. It was a nice thought though. Well, I think I should probably head off to bed now, but not before saying this. I just HAVE  to rant for a moment. My mom made a comment today and it really made me mad. I don't think she realizes how hurtful some of the things she says are. But, she's not a bad person. I guess we all have our problems we have to deal with.

So, with all that said - PEACE!

- Kristen

Hey! I'm going to try and keep my blog updated. I can get quite busy at times and quite... forgetful.  Well, today nothing really happened. I woke up at 12 and no one was awake so I had some breakfast and then went back to bed. Then I kept waking up until 5 and then we ordered chinese food and then... well, I got on the computer.

My fortune from the fortune cookie was: When one door closes, another will open. I've always said that when one door closes, there's usually a window you can jump out of. But, that's just me. I really don't know what else to say other than my leg is hurting.

I have to take my exams at the end of this week. I hope I do well. And then I may go up to the lake to celebrate my aunts' birthday. Fun...

-You stay classy San Diego-

Kristen

 Well, this is my first post. I'm really excited about joining the site and hope I can contribute to this great effort. I'm kind of having some trouble spiritually so if anyone is willing to talk to me, I'd be happy to hear from you. Thankfully, I have a great friend who has helped me tremendously.

 Other than that, I'm really excited to be and so glad its summer. This summer I'm really going to focus on myself and preparing for my final year of school before college. Its my goal to be standing on solid rock before I head off to the tumultous world of college.

Also, if someone could get back to me and tell me whether or not my icon is visible. Its from my documents and didn't upload to the Internet before uploading it to this site.  Thanks!         

What time is it? Knight time!

(If my favorite teacher is reading this: I saw I Heart Huckabees was on the other night and it made me think of you. :D)